she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
