Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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