You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
