I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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