I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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