I can't watch pbs sober anymore
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
