how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
