got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
