If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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