when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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