Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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