Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
