I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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