I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
