my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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