Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
