census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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