I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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