Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
