remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
