Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
