I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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