Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
