i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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