Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
