New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
