Sry I called you an 8
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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