I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
