I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize