This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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