i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
