Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
