Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
