im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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