was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize