I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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