a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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