Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
