She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
