Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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