Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
