I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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