Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
