Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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