I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
