Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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