The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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