so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
