You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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