Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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