I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
