So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
