Your face is a jimmy john
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
