I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
