Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
