a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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