Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
