Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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