You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
