WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
